Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
