I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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