I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
