I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Randomize
