either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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