Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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