She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
