I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
