I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
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