So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
