Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
