you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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