Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
