If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My dad is sitting where you rode me
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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