Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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