do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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