FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
