just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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