Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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