I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
