i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
