Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
