I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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