Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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