make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
