We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
