I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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