I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
