College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
