I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
