Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
