ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
