we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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