I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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