Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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