He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
