I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
