The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
