I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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