Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
