Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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