if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
