if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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