I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
