Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
