Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
