Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
