I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
