I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
