Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
